So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
