you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
