At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
