I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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