I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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