we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
