so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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