I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
