i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
