You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
