apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We had sex on a dog bed..
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
