wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
