There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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