Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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