my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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