Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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