I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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