I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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