I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
