why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
