if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
