The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
