So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
