Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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