i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
