Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm always down for nudity.
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