we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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