She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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