I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
