finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
