the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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