she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
