I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
