Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
