he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
