I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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