I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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