If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
