she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
