i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
