my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just took my morning after pill in the library
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
