Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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