God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
