Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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