Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
