he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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