At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
