I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.