the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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