Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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