She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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