if you like me you must not know who I am
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
