Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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