Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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