I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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