I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
