Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
