He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
