I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
