if you like me you must not know who I am
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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