ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
