I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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