we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
All the doctor said was why
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
