I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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