youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
