Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
