She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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