yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
