i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
